About Jellybean.

We have another ultrasound scheduled for June 1st. But here is what we have been told so far.

Jellybean has Spina Bifida.  Now, before you start feeling sorry for me, please don't... I don't.   I'm doing great (now) with the news and am trying to prepare myself for what is coming.  If you would like to know how things are going... just ask!  I'll let you know if there's anything that's changed.  If you just want to give me a hug, that's fine too!  I'm pretty open about it, that's how I cope with it.

The only thing that's bugged me was when a friend started crying when I wasn't.  That upset me and made me feel like I wasn't grieving enough for the life my child might not have.  I felt like I was comforting her, it was odd and made me uncomfortable.  So, please... don't do that.  

I'm grateful that I am able to have this baby.   Many of you are aware of the struggles that I have had with my hormones and my infertility trials.  I believe that my body has been prepared for carrying her.  I believe that the experiences that I have had with my other children has prepared me for this awesome spirit.   I have always welcomed trials, I know that they make me a stronger, wiser person and a better mother.

I know that there are times coming where I will doubt and I have a great support system of friends and family that I can turn to and ask, "why me?".   I know that a positive attitude will make a difference.   I know that I already love this child and her spirit, it's something that will carry me through hard times.  I'm grateful that I constantly have the priesthood at my disposal and I won't hesitate to take advantage of this wonderful blessing.  I have great faith that the Lord will carry me when I can't find someone who can, I just need to ask!   I know that Jellybean is preparing as much as we are for her birth.  I know it will be hard.

I also believe in miracles, which is why I am praying for her health every second of everyday.  I'm grateful for everyone who has fasted and/or prayed for her health.   I'm grateful for the doctors who give me information and tell me to be patient because there are some things that no one will be able to prepare for until she's born.

I'm grateful for my kids, who when we told them that Jellybean's spine didn't form correctly, told us, "She's still our little sister and we'll love her no matter what. What can we do to help?"  They are always curious about what the Drs. say;  and we aren't afraid to tell them the truth.  We would rather that they are prepared, than to have it come as a surprise.  They still love to feel her kicking (which is a great sign) and are constantly talking to my belly.  We found out a few days ago that the kids will be able to see her after she comes out of surgery and can be there to talk to her. That has made all of us very happy!

There are some great websites about Spina Bifida, so if you'd like to visit them, feel free.  What she has is Myelomeningocele and it's a neural tube defect.  It's the most serious form of Spina Bifida.   There are some horrible websites also.  I know that WebMD is pretty good, and there's a study for in-utero surgery that gives some good information.  

We found out that this may be linked genetically to Curt and I.   We aren't sure yet, they'll test her after she's born. 

Like I said, some things may not be known until she's born, but we are preparing in whatever ways we feel inspired.

Be Still, my soul.

I'm finding my mind full of hymns this week and have a certain recurring hymn flowing through my head and thankfully has made it's way to my heart. 

I am in our ward choir.  (Not really a surprise, is it?)

Anyway, the song that we are singing for May is "Be still, my soul."
(Thanks, Sis. Roehr.)

I love this song and I am finding great joy and comfort in this song.

"Be Still, my Soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be Still, my Soul: Thy best, thy Heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be Still, my Soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be Still, my Soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be Still, my Soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be Still, my Soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last."

I am forever grateful for the inspired woman who wrote this song: Katharina von Schlegel.  I would love to give her a huge hug right now!!!