I'll admit it!

I've been going through a very rough time, lately.

I don't like to admit when I'm dealing with my insecurties, but I'm afraid that maybe I've offended people in the meantime.  I'm sorry to those that I've neglected.

Here's the reality.

I've been treated for Postpartum Depression since November.  Instead of feeling better, I'm just feeling blah.  My wonderful Dr. has been paying real close attention to me.  I'm not a scary depressive, it's more of an inability to deal with feelings.   Between the trials of having a baby with Spina Bifida, moving out of a home that we lived in for 12 years, foreclosure, financial stress, family stress, and "The Holidays", I was thrown into a depressive state.  I've actually been doing pretty well for a few months... until Curt lost his job this last time.

I had a friend tell me that it must be nice to have Curt home, but the truth is: It's a nightmare.  Anyone who truly knows Curt, knows that he has his own schedule.  He forgets to talk softly in our room if Olivia's down for her morning nap, he doesn't realize that the house has a preset schedule and that I've been the one in charge for so long.  He forgets the chore chart and gets after the kids to clean up whatever he deems is necessary at that moment.   I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just forgets.

I want to say that I cry a lot, or stay in bed, but the truth of the matter is this:  I can't.  I feel bad for my family.  I'm holding it all together, but it's really hard.

I've had a hard time with the ward change.  I really came to love our last ward, there were so many things that were so wonderful.  I have learned to love our new ward, but it's really hard to get to know anyone really well.  I feel caught in between wards, even though it's been 8 months.  In the last ward, everyone depended on each other.  The new ward is very different.  They seem content to live in separate worlds.  A lot of people in the ward are related, so they depend on each other.  Maybe I just haven't put myself out there?  Anyway, I miss my Evergreen friends, but really want to be friends with these fabulous women in 20th ward.  I never thought there'd be such a difference in 2 miles!!!

I know that I'm still here, and I just wanted to make sure that people understood where I was coming from.  I think that as soon as Curt gets a new job, I'll be able to get my life and schedule back in order.