Not Father's Day... yet.

I don't know where all of this sickness has come from.  Just a few weeks ago, I was telling my friend how healthy all of us are. Then... WHAM!  We are down.  Not all of us, Aaron and Curt are mostly fine.

I think I've had it the worst.  Hayden had a fever a few days ago and a night of "Frowding ups".  Last night, I quickly started heading downhill.  I couldn't keep water and soda down.   I learned quickly that I was done eating solid foods.   I was up every other hour visiting my "Porcelain King" and paying homage to him.  Alyssa visited him once in the night and that was it!  She just has an oogy stomach today.

Curt was so nice about it and let me sleep (when I could) and he took care of the kids.   He was starting to get concerned that he needed to get me to the hospital to prevent me from getting dehydrated.  Thankfully, we had Ginger Ale in the fridge that had already been opened, carbonation just would make things worse and we were getting worried about Jellybean. 

Around 7:30 this morning, he handed my phone to me and told me to call Judy Holden and have her play the organ for me.   I don't remember the conversation, but I remember being grateful for the easy songs to be played in sacrament meeting.   I don't remember much after that until around 9:30 when Aaron asked me if we were going to church.  After a quick panic attack about the organ, Curt reminded me that we'd called Judy.   (Thanks Judy, for saving me from trying to play and throw up at the same time.)

So, even though this is Father's Day, I feel like I'm getting the Mother's Day that I really wanted...  I just wish I didn't have to be sick to get it.

(I'm starting to feel a little better... I may just be able to make Curt's Father's Day dinner of Steak and Crab Legs this year. YAY! No break in tradition!)

Mommy Melted

Hayden wasn't feeling very well last night and fell asleep on the couch around 5 pm..

He woke up at 8:30 and started crying.  As usual, I started asking questions.

"Hey, buddy, do you want a drink?"

"No."

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

"Do you need to go potty?"

"No."

"What do you need?"

"You."

Awwww... you'll find me in a puddle by the couch.

Name Game

We have started the countdown!  Okay... who am I kidding, we started that a long time ago.  But, we are still trying to find a name for this little girl, other than Jellybean.

I have a poll on the left side.  These are the names that we love the most~ for right now.  There are no guarantees that she'll be named the winners' selection, but we'd like a little input... for my indecisive husband. 

If you have any other suggestions (or comments on the names that are there), feel free to share.  We just need to have a name for a blessing before she heads into surgery!  

We are going for the middle name of Gwen.  I love this name and it's Curt's Grandmother's name.  You see, I figure since Jellybean is going to have some struggles, she needs a strong name and Curt's Grandmother lived for a few decades after her husband died and was a very faithful church member.  I only got to meet her twice, since she died the summer after Curt and I were married.   From what I hear, she was very determined, stubborn and independent.  These are things that I admire in women.  So, I'd like to carry the name forward!

Life - unchanged.

I was thinking about how much things are going to change with another little child in our home.   BUT, then I remembered all the wonderful things that will always be the same!

* Aaron will still be the oldest and will always be my first baby.  He's starting Junior High, but I know that his attitude will not change.  He's a very "grounded" kid and he knows who loves him.   He's always up for a new adventure and another little sister isn't going to knock him off his pedistal.  He'll share it... gladly.

*Alyssa will always be the big sister.   She's got the happiest "go-lucky" attitude that I've ever seen.  I'm looking forward to her being a teenager. We have a contract that she signed when she was 5 that clearly states, "I will never hate my mom or dad.  I will always love them and kiss them before I go to bed"  (The rule in our home is that no one will ever be too big to kiss their mother in public)

* Hayden is awesome and is happy most of the time.  If he's not, I can usually talk him out of it.   He's the funniest 3 year old and I love that I'm the most important person to him.   I love that he "hates girls".  (Except, Heidi, Ellie, Bailey... and Shea.)  He even hates me... or so he says until he realizes that he doesn't.   He thinks he's one of the big kids and is almost as independent, but not as stubborn.

* Curt will always be here when I really need him the most.   He's more freaked out about Jellyean than I am.   I'm calm, he's concerned.   He's also got the best BBC humor, but people don't see it often.  When my Mom asked where he was going to be working, he told her APS.  She wanted to know if it was APS the electrical people.  He reply? "I don't know... it could stand for Arizona Popcorn Supply.  I forgot to ask."   He said it with such seriousness, that I had to wonder if he was kidding or not, then he smiled and walked away.  If you haven't had a chance to see this side of him, you're missing out.  It's one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place.

* I'm the only one that I'm worried about.   I know and believe so many positive things will come out of Jellybean's life that I'm actually worried about losing myself in the process.   My family is SO important to me and I do feel like I forget about my own wants and wishes in the process.   I still would like to go back to school and get a Nursing/Medical Degree so that someday I can work for the Red Cross, but that just doesn't seem like something that will get done.  But I'm grateful for all the medical classes that I have taken which are going to help me get through the next few years.  I'll work me out eventually.  Right now, girl's night out is providing me a "Mental Vacation" from everything.

My friend Stephanie Allred posted this on her blog page and I found it to be rather true.

"You know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon...everything's different."

~Bill Watterson

Come on Curt, help a girl out!!!

There are so many pictures I want to post!  Curt switched me over to a new computer and I haven't quite figured out how to get my camera to link up.   He's been so busy running from job interview to interview, working at one only to quit for a better one 2 weeks later, and dealing with my hormone spikes.  

He's starting a contract job at APS on Monday.  It's a great job and he already likes the people he'll be working with, he'll be able to ride the lightrail to and from the job!  I GET MY VAN BACK! 

On a side note, am I the only person who is 26 weeks pregnant who feels like I'm NOT big enough?  I feel the same size as 3 months ago.  I guess I'm just weird.

About Jellybean.

We have another ultrasound scheduled for June 1st. But here is what we have been told so far.

Jellybean has Spina Bifida.  Now, before you start feeling sorry for me, please don't... I don't.   I'm doing great (now) with the news and am trying to prepare myself for what is coming.  If you would like to know how things are going... just ask!  I'll let you know if there's anything that's changed.  If you just want to give me a hug, that's fine too!  I'm pretty open about it, that's how I cope with it.

The only thing that's bugged me was when a friend started crying when I wasn't.  That upset me and made me feel like I wasn't grieving enough for the life my child might not have.  I felt like I was comforting her, it was odd and made me uncomfortable.  So, please... don't do that.  

I'm grateful that I am able to have this baby.   Many of you are aware of the struggles that I have had with my hormones and my infertility trials.  I believe that my body has been prepared for carrying her.  I believe that the experiences that I have had with my other children has prepared me for this awesome spirit.   I have always welcomed trials, I know that they make me a stronger, wiser person and a better mother.

I know that there are times coming where I will doubt and I have a great support system of friends and family that I can turn to and ask, "why me?".   I know that a positive attitude will make a difference.   I know that I already love this child and her spirit, it's something that will carry me through hard times.  I'm grateful that I constantly have the priesthood at my disposal and I won't hesitate to take advantage of this wonderful blessing.  I have great faith that the Lord will carry me when I can't find someone who can, I just need to ask!   I know that Jellybean is preparing as much as we are for her birth.  I know it will be hard.

I also believe in miracles, which is why I am praying for her health every second of everyday.  I'm grateful for everyone who has fasted and/or prayed for her health.   I'm grateful for the doctors who give me information and tell me to be patient because there are some things that no one will be able to prepare for until she's born.

I'm grateful for my kids, who when we told them that Jellybean's spine didn't form correctly, told us, "She's still our little sister and we'll love her no matter what. What can we do to help?"  They are always curious about what the Drs. say;  and we aren't afraid to tell them the truth.  We would rather that they are prepared, than to have it come as a surprise.  They still love to feel her kicking (which is a great sign) and are constantly talking to my belly.  We found out a few days ago that the kids will be able to see her after she comes out of surgery and can be there to talk to her. That has made all of us very happy!

There are some great websites about Spina Bifida, so if you'd like to visit them, feel free.  What she has is Myelomeningocele and it's a neural tube defect.  It's the most serious form of Spina Bifida.   There are some horrible websites also.  I know that WebMD is pretty good, and there's a study for in-utero surgery that gives some good information.  

We found out that this may be linked genetically to Curt and I.   We aren't sure yet, they'll test her after she's born. 

Like I said, some things may not be known until she's born, but we are preparing in whatever ways we feel inspired.

Be Still, my soul.

I'm finding my mind full of hymns this week and have a certain recurring hymn flowing through my head and thankfully has made it's way to my heart. 

I am in our ward choir.  (Not really a surprise, is it?)

Anyway, the song that we are singing for May is "Be still, my soul."
(Thanks, Sis. Roehr.)

I love this song and I am finding great joy and comfort in this song.

"Be Still, my Soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be Still, my Soul: Thy best, thy Heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be Still, my Soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be Still, my Soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be Still, my Soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be Still, my Soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last."

I am forever grateful for the inspired woman who wrote this song: Katharina von Schlegel.  I would love to give her a huge hug right now!!!